Sometimes I feel like a teen-aged girl.
Understand, I’m almost 40-years-old, male, and most would say the epitome of a “dude.” However, this isn’t the case right now considering the contents of this post. I’m a huge fan of the young adult fiction hit novel, The Hunger Games. There, I said it and by all rights, I should be emasculated, which I’m fairly certain all of my friends will verbally do so after reading this. And by “this,” I don’t mean the whole blog post, I mean the previous sentence. That little bit is all they need as ammunition.
This past Saturday, I went to see The Hunger Games movie by myself after anticipating seeing the movie, having read the book, and the enthusiasm for such probably verged on troubling. No matter, the story contains bloody deaths through a Coliseum-type of contest, which I can always hang my manhood on. The problem is that a large part of the story is the complicated love between the two main characters, Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mallark, as well as the tension between Katniss (Catnip) and Gale Hawthorne. LOVE TRIANGLE! The fact that I know these characters’ full names is simply pathetic. My interest in this soap opera aspect of the book is even more so.
But, this post isn’t really about The Hunger Games… it’s about a man named Mervin.
In a sea of couples on a date, throngs of teen-aged girls screaming “Team Peeta” or “Team Gale” as we all waited for the movie to begin, there in the front of the theater sat Mervin. As I walked down the aisle of the dimly-lit theater, seemingly lost as a rudderless ship, there as my beacon of… well, I’m not sure… was Mervin. A man whom I came to eventually see as a 6’5″ near 500-pound messiah.
I made my way into the same row as Mervin to escape the audible distraction of the aforementioned teen-aged girls. It was only Mervin and I in the row and as I made my way past him we had a short dialogue:
ME: I guess this will be loser row, huh?
MERVIN: You think I’m alone like you?
(Staring at his XXXXL worn-out Led Zeppelin shirt and tight sweatpants showing off his moose knuckle, I had to say…)
MERVIN: (Laughs) Yeah, man, but fuck it.
ME: You read the book?
MERVIN: Nah, bro… here for Jennifer Lawrence. If those girls can be here for those two twinks, I can be here for Jennifer Lawrence’s double Bs.
ME: Double Bs?
MERVIN: Boobs and booty.
ME: Oh, right… of course.
As the movie played, a few notable things happened:
- Mervin wasn’t shy about telling the teen-aged girls after the few sighs and screams of joy from them that whomever was the object of desire liked to smoke skin bones.
- Mervin obviously had a bladder problem, which was convenient for him since he filled his popcorn bag each time he went to the bathroom. Efficiency at its best.
- Whenever there was any sort of shot that showed Jennifer Lawrence’s figure, a whispered “oh yeah” would come from Mervin’s direction. During one of these moments I looked toward him and our eyes locked for two seconds, which was broken when Mervin smiled and put up the devil horns and started pumping his pelvis, which made his seat cry… and me as well in my mind. The worst part was when he whispered, “I’m preeing right now, bro.”
After the movie, I walked up to Mervin and asked him what he thought of the movie…
MERVIN: I wish I lived in that world because I know I’d have a stupid shitload of food with me. I’d make Jennifer Lawrence partake in oral conversations for food, if you know what I mean.
Two thoughts instantly came to mind – Mervin wouldn’t have any expendable food with him because it would all be eaten by him and aren’t all conversations oral?
MERVIN: What did you think of it?
ME: Thought it was well-done. Some slight deviations from the book…
MERVIN: They have a picture book version of that shit? I would buy all of them to have Jennifer Lawrence’s Double Bs all to myself!
It was at this point that I finally figured out that Mervin lived in a world of fantasy and hyperbole.
ME: Unfortunately, no.
MERVIN: Fuck it then! Okay, bro, I have to go meet my girl at the mall. Promised I’d buy her some jewelry if she let me see this movie and dress her up as Katniss later tonight. Double Bs, motherfucker!
And there you have it. Mervin, an honest man without any discomfort about who he is and a huge fan of Double Bs.