Top Six Things To Do The Next Time You Ride An Elevator

Elevators. When you’ve lived and worked in the urban jungle as long as I have, you’ve ridden your fair share of them. Yes, in New York City, riding elevators is almost as routine as breathing – rather mundane and uneventful.

So, like the body does with asthma attacks, let’s spice it up a bit and go crazy. Here are the top ten things you should do the next time you find yourself in a box that relies on wire tension to keep you from symbolically ascending or descending.

6) Chill

Feel free to lay back on the floor and prop your feet up against a stranger’s hamstrings or bring a collapsible beach chair. Just remember to always wear your shades, link your fingers behind your head, and breathe the breath of chilldom.

5) Psychic Bond

Walk into an elevator, hold the door open with one hand, and “feel” the button board with the other. Close your eyes for a few seconds and then instantly open your eyes and gasp, storm out, and proclaim the elevator an asshole.

4) Rapid Fire

Enter the elevator and press the button for the floor that you are already on in rapid fire fashion. Don’t stop and claim that the elevator is broken. Curse profusely for emphasis.

3) Repair!

As you get near the crowd about to take a ride on the elevator, claim employment with the building and the need for repair. Be courteous and thank everyone for their cooperation. As the doors close with you inside, yell, “It’s a miracle!”

2) Shine On

First find the following items – blue flannel shirt, red corduroy jacket, pants optional, toy axe, and a Jack Nicholson mask (or at least have the ability to part your hair). Make sure you’re on some middle floor of the building and when the doors open – “Heeeere’s Johnny!” Be thoughtful and have towels ready to hand out.

1) Blame Game

Enter the elevator, shift a bit uncomfortably, sniff the air, look around and then ask, “Did this elevator just fart?”

Please note that these are merely suggestions on my part and legally, I have to tell you to not actually do any of the above. Well, except maybe Blame Game because who doesn’t like a good fart joke?

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