I’m here in Davis Park, Fire Island, by the National Seashore on a little “end of summer” vacation. It’s mostly quiet with some great opportunities to check out the various families of foxes, birds and deer that interact with people quite regularly. And the beach is just killer.
I say “mostly quiet,” because every Sunday, for reasons unknown, the only bar on this part of the island decides to book the worst cover bands in the state of New York. The sound carries, and no matter if you’re on the other side of the island, you have to listen to the awful crooning that would qualify for a web redemption segment on Tosh.0. I’ve listened to enough of these in-the-shower rock stars to pick out a few songs that should have died along with their hopes of being a musician.
Pour Some Sugar on Me – Def Leppard
This song was bad when Joe Elliot sang it. When Ricky who flunked out of bartender school decides to pump up the crowd with this 1980s lyrical equivalent of a Black Eyed Peas jam, you are guaranteed three things: spilled beer, off-key screaming, and post-menopausal wetness.
Call Me Maybe – Carly Ray Jeppsen
The ironic support of this song by comedians and hipsters has backfired. Every hack with a synthesizer and ability to play two chords now blasts this as a way to get the crowd behind them. I’d support the mayoral candidate who would make the penalty for covering this song being dragged out into the street and executed. Hang on, let me grab a shot of bourbon here. I need to let you know how I really feel…
We Didn’t Start the Fire – Billy Joel
If naming things could be counted as hitting a High C, this song would be an aria. Most people run out of gas eight bars in and are huffing through – “Ayatollah, Ben-Hur, Space race, ma-fi-ohhh, Jesus…” Don’t worry, they’ll take five and get it back in time for “JFK, blown away!”
Your Love – The Outfield
“Josie’s on a vacation far away…” and how I envy him right now, at this moment, while you’re singing. In fact, if you could replace Josie, and go far away, shitty cover band, my night would be a lot better. I bet Josie is a pretty cool guy. It sounds like he’s traveled the world, has some insight, deep cultural experiences, and here you are singing like a dying hyena about how you want to bang his mom. Not cool, shitty cover band lead singer. Not cool.
Don’t Stop Believing – Journey
Every housewife who never took a midnight train and is now settled with a mortgage, a minivan and a lifetime of debt will be throwing her head to the sky like a three-wolf moon t-shirt and howling along. Every sorority girl for the next three decades will think this song is about them, even though it has zero relevance to anything in their life. Every bro who thinks he’s got some kind of badass family because his uncle’s cousin through marriage twice removed ran a numbers racket in a bodega will be grunting “Oh-ohhh-oh-OOOOOOOOOHHHH!” since Tony Soprano (R.I.P.) got whacked to this song on screen.
What did I leave out? Put it in the comments and let’s shame these coverbands back to the Circle Line booze cruises where they belong!