5 Signs You Like Sports TOO Much

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“Fanatics have the look of people who do not masturbate but who think about it almost all time.”- Gregory David Roberts (I’ve never heard of him either)

The word “fan” as we refer to it relative to sports comes from the word “fanatic.” Yahoo Answers defines fanatic as a person filled with excessive and single-minded zeal. That makes a sports fans sound like lunatics, but that can’t be true. It’s not like people who love sports shoehorn it into any important conversation, use an abnormal amount of sports analogies or yell at the TV at people they never met… wait a second.

I have seen some of the most intelligent people become incoherent or inconsolable because a random spattering of individuals they have never met wearing adorable matching outfits lost to another random compilation of athletes in fetching costumes. To be clear, I am not above any of this, I have lashed out at people I love, thrown things at the wall, screamed unspeakable things and even cried while watching the pageantry that is sports. We do this because sports bring out the primal idiot that is in all of us – yeah smash things into other things! Since sports aren’t going anywhere and neither are fans let’s just draw a line in the sand (nobody has ever actually done this in real life; sand is a terrible canvas) of when sports enthusiasm becomes fanaticism.

5. You miss important events to watch sports
There was a Super Bowl commercial maybe two years ago where there was a group of old degenerates opining about all the recitals and important moments they missed in their loved one’s lives to watch the Super Bowl. Even writing it I capitalized Super Bowl like I have accepted it as my lord and savior – I’m a doofus. This is not acceptable. First of all, there is a 93.4% chance one of your favorite teams isn’t involved in the Super Bowl, so you basically chose some stranger’s endeavors over your niece’s wedding. Sure this might be her first of three weddings, but there will be 50 more Superbowls in your life, I’m not a mathematician but 50 is greater than three where I grew up.

The commercial could have very easily doubled as a commercial for sports addiction, which I have never heard of having meetings at the VFW. I can’t think of something that causes more fights than allegiance to sports. Sure, the garbage doesn’t have to go out right this moment, but really, is it going to kill you to miss this 3rd and 7, which by the way you could just DVR and avoid social media for 90 seconds.

Someday, you are going to be old and brittle and you are going to need these family members to pretend they care about you the way you pretended to care about them. Sure, you love sports more, but you can fake it a couple of days a year to make sure you don’t wind up in the old age home from “Happy Gilmore” with that dastardly Ben Stiller.

4. You get mad at people’s clothing attire
I was at a Detroit Lions versus Buffalo Bills game 10 years ago where I saw a man physically assault another man because he was wearing a different sports wardrobe than him. Now this was a game in October between two shitty franchises between two teams that had no playoff aspirations, and a felony occurred because of conflicting fashion sensibilities. Had the one man just decided to wear a Bills jersey like everyone else in attendance, he would have been fine, but he just had to go and flaunt “I have a different opinion” in everyone’s face. HOW DARE YOU SIR! Imagine getting into a physical altercation because you like Loews better than Home Depot and someone wearing a Home Depot shirt spots you being “different” – what a fucking asshole. For the record I have never seen anyone wearing a Loews or Home Depot shirt.

Its ludacris (that’s how Chris Bridges spells it so I will too) to hit anyone for being different than you and sports are no exception. If they say mean things about your favorite team, you know what you should try doing, say hurtful things about their favorite team. There is no scientific evidence that emotional abuse is a real thing.

3. You talk about fantasy sports, like a lot, like way too much
I love fantasy sports all season long, all day, every day. I would talk about it 24/7 if I could and sit on a bench Forrest Gump style and regale people of tales of fantasy football. The only difference is people found that rube’s stories interesting because something actually happened to him, it wasn’t some fantastical land where I am a GM of “Early Onset Dementia” and there is a parade when I win the league of “No Ma’am,” which I probably won’t because my team sucks.

I am going to let you in on a secret – nobody cares. It kills me, but nobody outside of the man in the mirror gives a shit about your fantasy team. The only, and I mean the only reason anyone pretends to care about your fantasy team is because they know if they listen to you drone on about nonsense that you will feel obligated to listen to them drone on about their nonsense later… or they are trying to sleep with you.

Fantasy sports is a billion dollar industry that 50 million individuals participate in, and the key word is “individual.” Playing fantasy sports is as exhilarating and amusing while also being as sad and depraved as masturbating. The next time you try to talk to someone about fantasy sports just imagine you are talking about masturbating because the person is equally disappointed and disengaged either way.

2. You get mad at people for getting hurt
“What a pussy, get up!” This will be shouted across 3 bedroom homes across the country every Sunday at motionless humans because they dare get injured on MY TIME. Doesn’t this guy know I have money on this game, and my life sucks and, most of all, I NEED THIS!

Have you ever walked to the refrigerator, opened up the door and completely forgot why you got up, then you sit back down and realize you wanted some sort of treat, most likely pudding? For ex-athletes this happens 15 times a day, the only difference being that their knees and joints are so shot that it is excruciating to take that journey to the fridge. You will hear people say, “Well they get paid enough” or “They know what they signed up for.” These people that say stuff like that are morons. I don’t remember when I was young, parents saying to their kids, “Are you sure you want to play football because someday when you are old you might get non-stop headaches and have terrible mood swings and push away everyone you love… but its fun.” No, they say, or rather what they really mean is – “Get out there and do the damn thing because I want to live vicariously through you and I want you to be strong and tough.” Being strong and tough is vastly overrated. Most people work in an office all day; the heaviest thing we ever lift are the tattered pieces of our broken dreams.

1. You call radio shows
There are a few professions that delusional people think they can do – law, comedy and GMs of sports teams. Being a lawyer is not being able to “win an argument” because you have to have this thing we call book learning; you have to study a lot and work grueling hours and do a lot of paperwork. An underrated point of “My Cousin Vinny” was that he had skills that you don’t have, you wouldn’t have won that case because you couldn’t convince Marissa Tomei to have sex with you.

The next is comedian. I know a ton of comedians who are amazingly talented and funny who make upwards of $3,000 a year for doing stand up. The true key to being a comedian is being able to exist on menial amount of funds for 10 years… now that’s hysterical!

The other is GM of a sports team. Most people will laugh you out of the room if you say you could hit a 90 mile per hour fastball or could score 12-15 points in the NBA, so you know better than to suggest that. So these crafty bastards have decided to imagine that they could be a GM. What a ludacris statement, but it is harder to quantify to people why they wouldn’t be successful, so most people will just let you have this fantasy.

You hear these people call into a radio show and say something like “The Yankees should trade Curtis Granderson and the plot rights to the cemetery where George Steinbrenner is buried for Mike Trout.” First of all there are at least two teams in any trade and contrary to what Republicans believe, the key to any good deal is that everyone wins and everyone loses. You have to ask yourself the simple questions: “Why would the Angels do that?” “Why, if this deal was possible, would a billion dollar company not think of it when I just thought of it in between whip-its and shifts at Banana Republic?” Managing a fantasy team is not the same as managing a real team.

For one, your friend “Shittypants” isn’t involved in the league for you to ransack his talent… well, depending on who is running the Jacksonville Jaguars because his name could be “Shittypants.” The biggest reason you will never be a GM is because you would be really bad at it, you aren’t the wunderkind from “Little Big League” or Whoopi Goldberg in “Eddie.” Next time you think you would be a good GM, try something you have never tried before. I recommend putting something together from Ikea or go and try a new sexual position and see how poorly you perform. Now imagine you do that while everyone is watching and judging and yelling, “You suck.”

I am not saying to stop watching sports or trying to take away the enjoyment from it. I just want you to picture the guy who is in a K hole trying to eat his own bottom lip because that’s how you look to the world when you become a fanatic or fan. Sports allow us to turn off our brains to the job we hate, the money we don’t have and the abilities we don’t possess for just a couple of hours at a clip.

“Well, see if your father can’t pay the rent go ask Mickey Mantle* and see what he tells you. Mickey Mantle don’t care about you, so why should you care about him? Nobody cares.” –Sonny from “A Bronx Tale”
*Please note that Mickey Mantle is dead

Photo courtesy of “G” jewels g is for grandma/Flickr

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