How to Make the Best Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich


I never understood the phrase, “What you don’t know could fill a book.” Of course it could fill a book; it could fill a whole series of books on various topics from “What’s the difference between a Clementine and a cutie,” to “How do people afford eggplant.” There is very little in this world that I would say I am an expert on: one is pretending I’m an expert on the simplest things and another is how to make the most impeccable peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

1. The Bread is Crucial
There are some people out there that will eat a PBJ sandwich on untoasted white bread. These are most likely Soviets who were never breast-fed. The problem with this is you need some sturdiness to the bread, it’s got to have soul and be a soldier. You don’t want to go too far and get sourdough or brioche bread; they are like having Lenny Kravitz in the “Hunger Games” – it distracts and overwhelms from the heart of the matter. I have no idea what brioche bread is by the way except that it’s fashionable; it’s the Teletubbies of bread. You don’t want pumpernickel or rye as they are reserved for salted meats. You want a good multigrain bread or a sesame bagel that has been hollowed out. Did I just blow your mind?

As far as toasting it, this is a delicate facet of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich; because toasting gives a little firmness and strength, think of it as working out the bread’s core. The key is after you toast it, don’t instantly put the peanut butter on it like some vagabond because hot peanut butter leaks. You absolutely cannot have two leaky condiments together, it’s called the “Leaky Condiments Paradox” popularized by George Washington Carver. So you leave the toasted bread on a plate for 6-8 minutes depending on the room temperature of your house and then you get to work.

2. I Like My Peanut Butter Like I Like My Women… Creamy (gross)
I have tried organic peanut butter and I would say it’s disgusting. It has a protective layer that I can only compare to anal leakage. You don’t like anal leakage on your bread, do you?!?! Of course not! Also, don’t buy store brand peanut butter because you deserve nice things. Moms like you choose JIF and who knows peanut butter better than Mom’s, nobody.

3. I Like My jelly Like I Like My Women… Squirtable (grosser)
There are a ton of jelly options out there, but don’t confuse yourself. The answer is simple, it’s strawberry and squirtable. I think we should change the phrase “Greatest thing since sliced bread” to the “Greatest thing since squirtable jelly.” The only reason I could think of for using jelly in jars is after it’s done it makes for a free glass with Dino from the Flintstones on it. If you can afford to buy jelly and glasses then treat yourself to a nice squirt bottle.

There are things called preserves and apple butter and other delicacies that are made for high tea not for PBJs. Is there low tea? I think that is just a testosterone problem.

4. Ratio of Peanut Butter to Jelly
This is a cause of great debate in dark rooms, but there is a simple ratio – 2:1 peanut butter to jelly. After you have waited your allotted time, you spread that creamy peanut butter on both pieces of bread. You want a nice clean double layer and then you squirt your delightful strawberry on top and make sure it’s smooth and evened out. If you don’t even it out, the jelly will leak out, (Carver was right) and this will lead to sticky fingers reminiscent of post-masturbation depression.

5. Cut That Bread! Cut That Bread!
If your PBJ is on multigrain bread, cut it diagonally; it lowers the risk of leakage and also presents very well so the person you are making it for knows you love them. Including yourself. If it’s on a sesame bagel, cut it into quadrants, so you can eat it in four bites. Mmm. You can cut the crust off if that’s your thing, but don’t just cut the crust off because you’ve been told its better. I like to not cut the crust off and then decide how much crust I want to eat, usually about 58 percent.

6. Nutella you’re a nutella
It’s quaint to put marshmallows, bananas, fluff, nutella, or cookie crumbles on your peanut butter jelly, but then it’s no longer a PBJ sandwich. Usually if you are making a peanut butter jelly sandwich it is because you are short on time or supplies. It’s very rare that you plan a meal of peanut butter jelly ahead of time. PBJ is a beautiful last resort, like those Love or List it shows, it’s beauty and joy is in its simplicity. I don’t understand nutella, it seems like it is a chocolate spread but has nut in the name, this condiment is not to be trusted. Fluff is a fitting name for it because that’s all it is fluff to fill the void of a childhood you seem intent on ruining.

Also Crustables, those frozen peanut butter jelly sandwiches are offensive. Its’ too cold, too contrived, and its Canadian. Drake probably eats Crustables, do you want to be Aubrey Graham?

The next time you are making PBJ because you haven’t gone food shopping, think of my guidance above. When you are so high and you can’t remember the ratio of peanut butter to jelly, look to me. On those days when you get into a fight with your husband or wife and you stay at the house and you just want a sandwich to feel better, reminiscence on my words. Most importantly, remember a PBJ is simple, and in the words of Jim Henson, “Simple is good.”

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