New Lemon Law: They’re Delicious


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We have crusaders on the internet fighting battles of  intolerance and bigotry, but  nobody wants to stand up for the  one thing that has been slandered against for  years, the lemon.  If you buy a defective car someone says, ‘Oh man you got a real   lemon.’ When you’re getting shit on by life people say, ‘When  life gives you  lemons make lemonade.’ Both of these phrases  are commonly used to deride the  lemon, but it needs to end  you fruitists.

According to the internet the etymology (which is a word I just learned and can’t  wait to force into a conversation) for a car being called a lemon is one of the following:

a)     Perhaps via criminal slang sense of a loser or a simpleton, someone who is sharp can suck the juice of. (worst criminal slang ever, what happened to calling people shems and patsies)

b)     A pool hall hustle was called a lemon game. (Pool sucks.)

c)     To hand someone a lemon was British slang for ‘to pass off a sub-standard article as a good one.’ (I thought we fought the American revolution to get away from terrible British idioms and teeth. U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!)

d)     To leave a bad taste in one’s mouth (You know what leaves a bad taste in one’s mouth sleep and cum)

My question is: can your Dodge Charger work as the perfect accoutrement (I originally spelled it at actroumount, feels like there should be a tilde in there) on any sort of fish? No! Can your Lebaron really liven up a risotto? NO! How about your Mazda protégé can it combine with pound cake to give that perfect combo of sweet and sour? GOD NO!  Now for those real haters let me know can a 94’ Geo Tracker give you that much needed zest on bland dry chicken and make it perfectly francese? FUCK NO! NO! NO!

I’m an answers man, so I understand we need something to replace this use of lemon for another fruit. How about a fruit I just learned about, the pomegranate? The pomegranate is much like a defective car because it looks much like a regular fruit except it is far more inconvenient and messier and after you’re done you just want a low maintenance fruit. ‘Oh man Bernice, you got a real pomegranate there looking at it leaky oil.’  Lets face it a woman named Bernice or a guy named Herman are 45% more likely to buy a pomegranate car based on my own independent studies. The pomegranate people can write a scathing op ed piece about how I don’t understand irony, frigid hipsters.

The next phrase is ‘When life gives you lemons make lemonade.’ The etymology (told you I’d force it) of this phrase dates back to Dale Carnegie when he wrote his book, ‘How to stop worrying and start living.’ Ok Mr. Carnegie, cute title, but lets’ tell a person who was tricked into a balloon rate mortgage and foreclosed on their house or lost their job at 56 because they outsourced their position just go out and make some lemonade. The profit margins on lemonade are slim to none and frankly there is a monopoly on it by sociopathic money hungry 6 year olds so its’ not a smart business endeavor. You would be laughed off shark tank with your lemonade stand when you tell them your profits last week were $37 and a pack of baseball cards from your neighbor.

The offensive part of this phrase though is that it implies that if you are given many lemons in life that means you are getting shitted on. We have established that lemons have many good uses and are actually quite the delight so this phrase doesn’t work. So what should we replace it with, hmmm. I got it ‘When life gives you shit, make manure.’ I would have killed it in the 1800s idiom world.

I’ve watched enough ‘Scandal’ to know that cleaning up the bad publicity is only half the battle so how can we get the positive word out about lemons in a ‘Got milk’ sort of way. First of all we are changing negative idioms so lets’ hijack positive ones. There is the saying ‘Comparing apples to apples’ to imply comparing similar things. There are like 600 different kinds of apples, some of them aren’t even the same color. Now lemons on the other hand, always yellow, always lemon shaped. Next replace all references to ‘Hey Arnold’s’ football head to lemon head, got to get to the kids (in 1996) early.

Also you have to anticipate backlash from over exposure so educate the people about how not to use lemons. For instance never squirt them directly into a cut or open wound, it will hurt. The more you know. I’m sure we could get Lea Thompson to do that PSA on spec. I have no idea what ‘On spec’ means, but I’ve heard bigwigs use it so its’ got to be cheap.

So the next time you see a GM car spontaneously catching on fire don’t say, ‘Oh Lester must have bought a lemon,’ say wow GM really doesn’t care about their customers and we as consumers have to petition our politicians to end this money grab at the expense of safety, I mean ‘Poor Connie, has a pomegranate.’ When life gives you lemons, say ‘Wow thank you for the lemons, this will surely bring a panache to my Alaskan salmon.’ New lemon law: They’re delicious!

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